Ted Goldstein is a mad genius from Los Angeles, California. In truth, he is from the infamous valley, but these humble origins did not stop him from becoming the most intellectually deranged mind of his generation. For what else could we call such a man as this, a man who stoops to call himself “poet.” Deranged, yes. Disgusting, yes. Disturbing to the peace, yes, yes, a thousand times yes! And yet, here you are, still reading the absolutely deranged bio of an absolutely deranged artist writing on this deranged website we as a society mistaken let him create.

Shame on you. Shame on you for encouraging this kind of behavior.

But I suppose if you’ve made it this far, you have earned your right to an introduction, so here you have it. Goldstein stands at about 6 foot 2 inches tall, weighing usually somewhere between 11 and 12 stone, and his only dominant physical attribute is his freakishly long wingspan. He graduated from Princeton University in 2020 with a degree in History, and, if you are foolish enough to bring it up, he would love to talk about Elizabethan England with you.

If you are still reading this, you may have picked up on the fact that I really don’t want you to be reading this. At some point very soon, I will run out of nervous banter, and I will be forced to confess to you. So please, dear G-d, stop reading. Just stop it, and I will feel much better.

But because you’re such a deranged masochist yourself, I suppose I’ll just have to tell you. I am a poet. A no-good, down-dirty, still-writes-in-rhyme-and-meter poet. And I am also a story teller. I write silly little stories and fables that no decent member of society has any business reading. And lately, since about 2016, I have been working on a revolutionary top-secret novel that combines elements of poetry and short stories in a way that no novel ever has before. If you don’t believe me, I don’t care – you’re the one who’s still reading.

The poems and stories that you will read here are selections that I’m putting out to get exposure and introduce people to my work. I have larger collections of poetry (Zines) that are also available for purchase (and can be signed). All of my work is self-edited and self-published at the moment, so purchases and contributions are greatly appreciated.

This site, as well as all of the work displayed on it, is still being workshopped. I just wanted to get it out there so that you could read some of my work for free, and hopefully spread the word about it.

Please, enjoy.